A Valentine’s Guide For Lovers and Loathers

Bite Me! Valentine's DaySuzanne Rozdeba

Racing heart? Sweaty palms? Dizziness? Either you’re in love or you’re having a panic attack over the fact that Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. Or maybe both. Either way, you should climb back off the window ledge because we’ve got just what you need this year. Regardless of whether you are madly in love or just plain mad, there’s Valentine’s Day fun to be had in the East Village.


image(2) Merchant’s House Museum

Love in the Parlors: A Valentine’s Concert
Merchant’s House Museum, 29 East Fourth Street, (212) 777-1089; 7 p.m. to 8:15 p.m.
Woo your date with a romantic evening of classical music, as the Bond Street Euterpean Singing Society performs the works of 19th-century composers like Rossini, Schubert, Liszt, Brahms, Stephen Foster, Amy Beach and more in the Greek revival double parlor of the Merchant’s House Museum. Reservations required: $30 general admission, $20 seniors and students, $15 members.

“Aphrodisiacs & Music at Jimmy’s No. 43”
Jimmy’s No. 43, 43 East Seventh Street, (212) 982-3006; noon to 2 a.m.
Skip all the pre-fixe meals and head to Jimmy’s No. 43 for a la carte dishes featuring aphrodisiacs like oysters and chocolate. Plus there will be plenty of craft beer, cider and sparkling wine. If the booze and food don’t get to your lover’s heart, then hopefully the music will. SisterMonk is performing in the back room at 9 p.m. No cover, but reservations are recommended.

“Pancake Special at Clinton Street Baking Company”
Clinton St. Baking Company, 4 Clinton Street, (646) 602-6263; 6 p.m. to 11 p.m.
Indulge in breakfast for dinner with your sweetheart. Sharing will help stave off the sugar coma from the chocolate chunks, fresh raspberries, and raspberry caramel sauce that the special pancakes are drowning in.

Chocolate-Making Class
Tache Artisan Chocolate, 254 Broome Street, (212) 473-3200; 7 p.m. to 10 p.m.
Fancy spending an evening covering your date in melted chocolate? Well you’d better do that at home, but the next best thing is definitely the chocolate-making (and chocolate-eating) class that Tache is hosting. Class includes appetizers, fondue, wine and hands-on chocolate making with the chocolatiers, plus 20 percent of the ticket price goes to Hurricane Sandy relief. $30 for a single and $50 for a couple;

HeartBeets Ice Cream
Van Leeuwen Artisan Ice Cream, 48 1/2 East Seventh Street, (718) 701-1630; 8 a.m. to 11 p.m.
If you want to spend most of the evening snuggled up at home with your date, at least step out for a taste of Van Leeuwen’s new handmade ice cream flavor, HeartBeets. It’s a strawberry and beet ice cream with pockets of devil’s food chocolate cake.



Valentine’s Day Massacre Film Screening
Anthology Film Archives, 32 2nd Avenue at 2nd Street, (212) 505-5181
Anthology Film Archives is hosting a Valentine’s Day double feature that they gleefully describe as a “toxic yet sublime pairing of two radically anti-romantic films.” Those being Maurice Pialat’s “We Won’t Grow Old Together” and Albert Brooks’ “Modern Romance.” Both stories are a window into the lives of mismatched lovers and their perpetual conflicts – the first promises “brutal emotional violence” and the second self-deprecating comedy. Sounds like love! $10 general admission, $8 students and seniors.

ucb2Rachel Arons UCB East

What I Did For Love Improv Show
UCB East Village, 153 East Third Street, (212) 366-9231; 7:30 p.m.
Instead of nursing your wounds at home, let the Upright Citizens Brigade keep you laughing (and maybe crying a little) about your love life. Audience members volunteer their worst break up stories for the improv troupe to spin into hilarious skits. Featuring: Tracey Wigfield, Zhubin Parang, Abra Tabak, Michael Kayne, Jamison Guest, Aaron Jackson, Nate Dern. $5.

Janeane Garofalo
EastVille Comedy Club, 85 East Fourth Street, (212) 260-2445; 7 p.m. and 9 p.m.
If improv isn’t really your thing but you’re still looking for some comic relief, Janeane Garofalo — yes, she of “Singles” fame — will be doing two stand-up sets along with Wil Sylvince from HBO’s Def Comedy Jam and MadDog from Sirius Radio. $10.

“Lady Han: A Play about Lost Love”
St. Mark’s Church, 131 East 10th St., (212) 420-1916; Every Tuesday-Sunday until Feb. 17, 8 p.m.
Break ups are the worst, especially during the holidays, which is the theme of this play. If that sounds like your mood, then head over to this rendition of “Pretty Woman.” Lady Han is a beautiful prostitute who falls for her client and then goes mad with loneliness when he leaves her. Director Katherine Brook takes an American modern day approach to the 17th-century Japanese play by Zeami. $18.

Dart to the Heart Party
Village Pourhouse, 64 Third Ave at 11th Street, (212) 979-2337; 8 p.m.
If what you’re really looking for this V-day is whiskey with a side of retribution (no judgment), then bring a picture of your ex to pin up on a dartboard at the Village Pourhouse. If you hit a bull’s eye, you’ll win a complimentary Love Bomb shot. Drink specials include $5 Love Bombs, $4 Stupid Cupids and $4 Love Potion #9s. Your ticket gets you admission to the party, two complimentary drinks and access to the Valentine’s Day menu all night. $30 general admission, $50 VIP.

THE EVENING AFTER… (All events on Feb. 15)
“Ménage à Twang: My Country Valentine, an Alt-Valentine Mixer”
Housing Works Bookstore Café, 126 Crosby Street, (212) 334-3324; 7 p.m.
Country camp trio Ménage à Twang returns to Housing Works for “My Country Valentine,” the third annual Valentine’s Day extravaganza. There will be match-making, games, guest musicians, and plenty of beer and wine. Singles or couples welcome. No cover.

Never Sleep Alone: Sex Therapy-Comedy Show

front_horizontalDana Varinsky

Joe’s Pub, The Public Theater, 425 Lafayette Street, (212) 539-8500; 11:30 p.m.
What started out as a comedy show about group sex therapy has now morphed into a legitimate way to meet frisky singles (and couples). Audience members are encouraged to join comedian Roslyn Hart on stage to act out blind dates, sex positions and other naughty demonstrations. After the curtain falls everyone is invited to an after-party for more intimate mingling. $25 for “singles,” $30 for “voyeurs.”

Shades of Burlesque
WOW Cafe Theater, 59 East Fourth Street; 8:30 p.m.
Roll down to the women’s theater collective for Shades of Burlesque, New York’s only all-black burlesque revue, who will be joined by guest performers. The show promises lots of costume changes, sequins, shimmying and shaking. $15 online, $20 door.