Dating Advice From the Shopping Basket

bomb shelter bro

People are judging you everywhere you go. Do you have visible panty lines? Are you paying for that in all pennies? Who actually wears those shoes with individual toes?

You’d think in a world full of judgment, that at least the supermarket would be a safe place, but it isn’t. People are peering into your basket left and right and scoffing at your Muscle Milk or chocolate-covered edamame. You can tell a lot about a person based on what is in their grocery basket. I’m not sure what it says about me, but sometimes I look down at my own basket and all I see is various cheese products. While my basket clearly communicates that I like coagulated milk, most baskets tell more of a story about those who carry them. Here’s some baskets and their owners to avoid:

Bomb Shelter Bro (see photo above) – It’s good to date a planner, but dating someone who is always preparing for the next apocalypse is just a bad plan. A good test to know if they’re for you, is to picture them eating canned baby corn. If you’re still attracted to them, then you’re on your own on this one.


cat lady cryfest

Cat Lady Cry Fest– Liking animals is essential. I wouldn’t trust someone who didn’t think a kitten was cute or whose heart didn’t melt at the sight of a puppy falling asleep. But having ten cats is not cute. And dressing them up in little outfits while crying, watching “Sleepless in Seattle” on repeat, and eating tuna fish out of a can is not something to be taken lightly. With a basket like this, you’ve definitely got a basket case on your hands.


boy in a bubble

Boy in a Bubble– I mean, “man up,” buddy. It can’t be allergy season every season. A life without salt, nuts, wheat, soy, and animal protein is all-around bland. I can also guarantee this person is also allergic to making out.


investment banker/lawyer

Investment Banker/Lawyer – A basket full of condiments and beer is a surefire way to spot a workaholic. Be warned: these are also the type of people to overuse the cliché “work hard and play hard.” Stay away: if they don’t have time to make a meal, they don’t have time for a relationship with you.


emotional eater

Emotional Eater – Now this might be an expensive relationship. You go food shopping and then leave for a business trip, only to return to empty cabinets. “But I missed you,” they say. Twenty-five pounds later you might start to doubt how nice it was that they baked you “couples cookies” every day.


health nut hottie

Hottie Health Nut – What is that I see: cabbage? When you’re this into health, you are too in control of yourself and most likely others. Uptight people are not fun. Do you like being asked, “Are you really going to eat that?” I once watched an Oprah episode on eating disorders; I learned that apple cider vinegar speeds up your metabolism and that Saran Wrap can be used for a homemade sweatsuit. Beware of anyone who has that knowledge without having watched that exact episode of Oprah.

Allison Hertzberg is owner and head designer at Acessories by ASH