Picture courtesy Sarah Shanfield.Sarah communes with the globe

While there are good reasons to be skeptical about the Mayan calendar prediction that the world will end today, The Local decided to ask journalist, savant, thought-leader, and Local contributor Sarah Shanfield for words of advice and comfort.

Sarah, the end of the world seems to be predicted with frightening regularity these days. How have you felt in the past when it turned out to be a false alarm?

No one was more upset at the failure of the rapture than me. I had not even started my taxes and was going to wait until the last fiery demon rode away in a chariot made of rabid wolves to see if I’d be alive enough to have to actually sit down and file them. Boy, was I wrong! I have learned not to put too much belief in these human predictions. Still, I won’t do any Christmas shopping until acid-filled pigs stop falling from the sky on Friday and then, only then, will I venture to the Union Square holiday market.

Coming from California as you do, we know you’re an earthquake expert. Do you expect the end of the world to involve earthquakes, as well as other disastrous phenomena, or not necessarily?

Humans – and living organisms in general – are very smart. We defy the laws of nature time and time again (like you said, I’m from California. Nature, gravity and logic are all defied by the faces of my mother’s friends). Especially after Sandy, I don’t question the power of a humankind to be able to survive whatever the earth or the forces that be will throw at him or her.

Maybe the end of my world will be manifest as an attack by a large snake, and my friends can’t save me because they inhaled a parasite that is forcing them to walk off a cliff. Who knows? That said, I guess I’m kind of hoping for acid-filled pigs.

Just in case it’s the real deal this time, how do you plan to spend the few remaining hours?

I will actually be on a plane. My hope is that if all the volcanoes are to erupt , it will all be over by the time I land and I can live the rest of my life as a real life version of “Lost” (I’m Eko). In fact, if I hadn’t been so dumb as to book that ticket on what might be the last day ever, I would have spent the time watching the series “The Wire.” I haven’t gotten around to it yet.

Last year you moved from the East Village to Brooklyn. Do you expect either the East Village or Brooklyn to be spared in an end-of-world scenario, and if so, why?

Haven’t you people learned anything? Movies have taught us that while Manhattan goes up in flames, gets sucked dry by vampires, or trampled by a giant dinosaur monster, Brooklyn will be chilling out with full power and cable, its people watching from the shores of DUMBO, and eating lobster rolls. Good luck, everyone!

You can preserve one East Village icon or institution for posterity. Your choice?

Life Cafe! Oh wait. Mars Bar! Oh wait. I guess the 7-Eleven is really important, and I would do whatever it took to save that. That and the frozen yogurt place on 7th and A.

I’m really hoping this moment makes people realize what I’ve been saying all along – that Mayan civilization is actually the most hilarious nationality. If you guys can pull this prank off, you deserve everything, forever. Happy New Year!